A forum for women about sex, sexuality, health and intimacy

By Dr. Tiger Devore

I want to thank the readers for sending in questions. I was asked to address a topic, “The Other Side of Viagra (and pills like it).”

How do women, who are aging and going through menopause in particular, deal with their male partners suddenly being sexual powerhouses? Women contend with lower libido and vaginal dryness at the same time their newly medicated man is able to get and maintain an erection for a long time and establish another erection much more rapidly after orgasm than he could before taking this medication. Men become focused on the idea that they are young again, virile in ways they haven’t been in years, able to perform sexually as they remember from their sex lives in their 20s. Intercourse becomes the focus of the aging couple’s sex life, making it less satisfying for women who feel pressured to act as if they are enjoying the sex. The husband is enamored of his newfound prowess, and the wife doesn’t want to be less than enthusiastic for fear that if she isn’t interested, he may find another partner.

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Performance anxiety and sexual dysfunction is on the mind of any man, regardless of age. Many men who are not in need of any of these erectile dysfunction drugs see them as “insurance” if they are going to be with a partner they feel they need to impress despite their anxieties. Sildenafil in all its forms (Viagra, Levitra and Cialis) has changed the way people are sexual.

Still, many men do not refill their prescriptions. They feel the disconnect from their partners and want the intimacy of having sex that is not intercourse focused. Female partners need to let the man know that they don’t want to have that kind of hard driving intercourse that lasts for a long time that is uncomfortable and makes them feel like they are being used rather than making love. Men who love their wives will often become awake to the needs of their partners all over again. The couple can then go back to the kind of tender and loving sex that they used to have before the pill made intercourse from days gone by the focus of the man’s newfound image of himself. Wives want their loving and considerate sex partner back, and men do respond to that.

This is not to say that the Sildenafils are all bad. For men with erectile dysfunction, these drugs make it possible for couples to get back a kind of sex they have lost. With proper counseling, couples can learn that these pills are for the pleasure of both partners, not just for the man’s reclaiming of his youth. Couples who cooperate with this can use vaginal lubricants if dryness is an issue. They can also communicate effectively about how long intercourse should last for both partners to enjoy it, and they can be sure that all other forms of sexual pleasuring of one another continue, instead of that being forgotten and leading to all the bad outcomes described above.

Dr. Tiger Devore, known as Dr. Tiger, is a clinical psychologist, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and media expert on sex and relationships. But most importantly, he is a person who cares, with over 25 years of practice and expertise working with women and their specific issues. For more information, call Dr. Tiger at 702.900.4845 or visit tigerdevorephd.com